[pawpaw]

Day 4 Saturday

Media day, WOW. Talked to TV guide, People, EW, US. Had photos taken. Really windy day and the camera guy made me face the wind. I told him that probably is a bad idea as I look pretty silly with my hair blowing back. He got mad and told me he is a professional, pretty much "shut up" ( side note, bastard then went and picked that photo for the web site. trust me, I was even more mortified than you people ) Still got to get video interviews yet.

I have been up since 4:30AM and it is now 8:40AM, feels like forever. Back home, I would be just getting up.

I finally got to talk to people, yeah!

But now getting tired of talking to people, and still have the videos to go.

Saw "Mary Ann " in her bikini. Jeez those fake boobs are weird looking. Still no poop yet, hoping today.

I don't think I fit in here. Maybe I'll go first. I don't know. Hot young chicks all of them. And then there is me. Kinda intiminating. Must be more confident. Try acting cool or indifferent maybe.

Everyone moves away from me. Whats up with that? Jeezus, Gilligan of all people , just got up and moved away from sitting next to me at lunch. What the ??

1:00 media day over. Meet producers and Jeff Probst. He's actually a nicer person than I thought.

Beautifull breeze off the ocean. Cot back on beach. It would be perfect if you guys were here with me too. But you're not, I'm alone.

I wrote " I love you Maddy & Rick " in the sand. Can you see it? go ahead and read.

Miss you both achingly. Hopefully "game on " soon. This not knowing when is like mental torture. Being around people , knowing they will be on your tribe, but not able to speak to them, watching as they smilie to one another like they know something I don't know, not letting me be included sucks! They should really change this part of the process, I don't know how but it should be changed.

Got to talk a lot today. I was really nervous today, CBS & TV guide channel. Blah, Blah, Blah, I don't even know what all I said. Had to do an intro for TV guide channel" Hi, this is Kathy Sleckman fron Survivor Micronesia and you are watching the TV guide network. I was so nervous what I said was " and you are watching the food channel". Doh, retake! So hopped up on the fake Pauluan canned coffee with cream ( Yak milk? ) that I want to vomit.

One camera guy said I was the funnest of them all. Guess I'm proud of that. I hope I don't loses my "funny" out there. I feel it defines me, without it, who would I be?

4:15 okay, getting down again. Coffee is wearing off. Wondering what the hell I'm doing here. Thought we would start the game immediately. All these days trapped inside my own head is weird. God I wanted this so bad 3 years ago. ( in Vanauata Rick and I were seperated. I was going to be a single mom and I was so desperate to win the million that I would of slit anyones throat to win it. I wanted the best cardboard box under the bridge for me and her to live in. But everything happens for a reason. I didn't get on, Rick and I sobered up, we fell back in love and became the family that I have always hoped for. Who knows where we would be if I had gotten on Vanauata. Maybe I would be in LA trying to extend my 15 minutes )

I'm going to buckle up, snap out of it for now. Take it a hour at a time. Back is tight, my cot sucks. Its ripping away from the frameand I feel like I'm laying in a soup ladle. Oh no.