BobDawg Blog's Survivor samoa

[TheCiscoShow]

Bobby (BobDawg) Mason Esquire is giving his take on each episode for the Samoa season.

Here is his blog on Episode 1

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[pawpaw]

Hey TheCiscoShow, long time no see

[TheCiscoShow]

RUSSEL’S BELIEVE IT OR NOT


Russ: Hey man, you know there’s an immunity idol at camp.


Jaison: How do you know that?


Russ: I seen the script man. I mean, I don’t know. I mean, dey is always a idol at camp. I’m gonna look for it.


Jaison: Without any clues? That’s impossible.


Russ: That’s what dey WANT you to think! All you gotta do is look behind a rock, then behind an ant, then say “Hmmmmm” then look in the tree with the camera in it. I ain’t sayin’ it’s gon’ be easy. It could take 20 minutes. Maybe more!


CSI SAMOA Ep. 2
Mick: Hey Russell. Whatcha doin?


Russell: Aw nuthin. I am just trying to find the Immunity Idol.


Ashley: What did he say?


Mick: I think he said he's "vying for the Community Title." Huh?


Natalie: No, he said he's "trying on a blue and green bridal." That’s so cool!


Ben: No, that's silly, man. He said he was "flying on a you and me rhino." Whatever Russell. C’mon guys, let’s just ignore him.


Elizabeth : Wait! Did you see that!?!? He just grabbed something, jammed it down his shorts and ran off suspiciously as if he had found something important -- perhaps game changing -- that he desperately doesn't want us to see! Should we investigate?


Mick: It's probably nothing. I mean, why would someone grab something, quickly hide it then run away at top speed, unless it was nothing? Duh!


Elizabeth : Well, should we at least look in the tree? It couldn't hurt anything. Plus, we might stumble upon a hidden camera or something. That would be cool.


Mick: No, let’s not waste our time. Instead, let's go eat some sand and stare at the sun. Who’s with me!?!?!?!?


Foa Foa: (collectively) WE ARE!!!
I’m gonna try to stay away from the preposterousness of Russell just randomly finding the Immunity Idol within 20 minutes or so with no clues…especially since when he told Jaison there was an Immunity Idol at camp, he said “You gotta keep it a secret…and I should keep it a secret but the reason I’m telling you this is I trust you…” Uhhhh…you gotta keep ‘what’ a secret, exactly? That just generally and generically, there MIGHT be an idol at camp? Yeah, shhhh! don’t tell anyone about that...


THE FOOTSIE FOIBLES


Jeff: BAM! Great clothesline to the throat by Russell S!


Jeff: Wow! Brilliant eye-gouge by John!


Jeff: Ho! Nice groin-strike by Mike!



Jeff: Impressive E-Honda ****-slaps by Russell H!


Jeff: Yes! Now that’s the way you bite a chunk out of someone’s back, Erik!


Ben: Hmmmm…I just got stabbed in the eye, drop-kicked in the kidneys, and someone just did an Atomic Drop on me then hit me with a Tiger Knee like Sagat. I think I’ll trip Russell.


[TRIPS RUSSELL]


Jeff: WHOA! Wait a minute buddy! What do you think this is!?!? You’re outta here!


Ben basically got booted from the challenge for playing footsies. That was pretty weak. I always hate these challenges anyway. At least for the guys, it puts you in a position where you’re almost in a fight, but you’re not really in a fight, and everyone is trying to go at 80%, hoping the other guys are going to go at 80%, but one dude is bigger/stronger/faster, so his 80% feels like he was at 85% so you overcompensate and get to 90% and it escalates. I like me some mano y mano stuff as much as the next man, but if big strong dudes are going to be teeing off on each other, there should be protective equipment so they can actually unload…that 80 -95% escalation is how people get bitter and/or hurt.


In my season in the sand challenge, I felt that same dynamic. Terry and I were going at it, but we were both trying to be honorable about it. Once Terry, who wrestled as NAVY and is made out of iron apparently, had me from behind with a choke-hold that felt like one of those LAPD style choke-holds (don’t ask me how I know that) . I squeaked out “you got me by the throat” and he let go. I was impressed by that and instead of using his release of that hold as a chance to gain advantage, I let him get another grip, just not around my throat. We ended up going at it pretty hard and we kept it in that ‘safe’ range, but the whole time I kept thinking, it only takes one stray finger in the eye or one push that seems a bit extra, and this whole thing could go up in flames. These challenges have their place obviously but I don’t care for them…


STILL TRIPPIN’…


Later we found Yasmin trippin’ in her own way on Ben.


Yasmin: YOU TACKLED ME!?!?! DO I LOOK LIKE A DUDE?


Ben: Well, actually…


Yasmin: SHUT UP! SHUT UP! NYAH NYAH NYAH NYAH! BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH! YADDA YADDA YADDA! Do I look like a football player? Do I look like a rugby player? BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH!


When Yasmin started pulling that ghetto-tourettes s*** on Ben, my only thought was “Ben, let it go bro. You cannot win that one. Just walk away.” When a black woman decides to start going off on you in public and you know you didn’t do anything wrong, unless you’re a latin woman, you cannot win that battle. It’s just not a fair fight. She knows you can’t start yelling at her too b/c then you look like a little ol’ beotch, and you can’t hit her b/c then you look like a coward, so you just stand there getting clowned like you’re a 3rd grader that forgot his field-trip slip again. You either have to break out the trusty “Shut up ****!” or you have to walk away and just let her do her thing.


I think Ben handled that encounter about as well as could be hoped for by someone getting yelled at while standing around in the shorts Rocky was wearing when he was dry-**** Apollo at the beach in Rocky III. And I didn’t actually have a problem with Ben calling Yasmin ‘ghetto’ because… she was ghetto. I’ve been in the ghetto plenty of times, and that was very familiar. The first episode I remember thinking, “Cool, they found a young, attractive, athletic, CLASSY black woman that can compete physically and socially.” Then, just as I was settling in on the couch for Ep. 2, she turned into Sha-nay-nay. That’s what Yasmin was going for, that’s what she showed, and at some point political correctness has to take a back seat you have to call a spade a spade -- though I’m glad Ben didn’t actually call her a spade and instead opted for the ketchup sandwich angle…btw, there’s nothing wrong w/ ketchup sandwiches by the way, as long as you mix in a slice of fried bologna and have a side of Now and Laters.


THE SWAMP THING


Shambo forgot the first two rules of swimming in a swamp.


1) Don’t swim in a swamp.


2) If you gotta swim in a swamp, don’t lose the tribe’s s*** in the swamp.


That water was pitch-black...and Russell S thought this was the ‘smart one’…?


I like how she was like “I have some good news and some bad news. The bad news is I destroyed half of our fishing gear. The good news is…my mullet is completely unaffected by swamp scum. Win!” And I like that when she got out of the swamp her mullet turned into one of those bullet-proof Eddie Munster helmets. I hope that thing is insured. That thing is priceless...


GREAT MOMENTS NEGOTIATION HISTORY


Ashley: We have to figure out who to vote out. Ben is such an outlaw. Plus, I hate him.


Natalie: Yeah, and that chopping wood in the middle of the night was a bit too passive aggressive. Yeah, I think we should vote off Ben.


Betsy: Yeah! You’re right! You’re right! I mean, who would you rather spend the next 30+ days with? An outlaw -- or your MOTHER who’s also a COP?


Hmmmm…let me think about that one.


Not a whole lot going on in this episode. Pretty boring. I think Mike actually put it down pretty hard for an older dude in that challenge. Sorry to see him go on a health related issue…but very surprised he was out there in the first place. I like how dude basically had a heart-attack and Jeff tried to channel Dr. House and said “So, is this something a few coconut shells of water will solve?” Heh heh…that was rich.


Russell actually is the best player so far. I’m glad to see that he actually has some game and isn’t just a character. He’s playing a fast and loose game w/ a sense of confidence that I can only say is odd, but hey crazy game is better than no game. He has a compelling package I think. Good athlete, aggressive social game, and a disarming, toof-missing style that hides a dangerous level of Survivor intelligence. Plus, the dude just incredible at finding s***.


NEXT TIME ON RUSSVIVOR:


Russell unifies physics!!! Then he explains what was in Marcellus Wallace’s briefcase!!! Then he draws a perfect map in the sand showing where Amelia Earhart went down!!! Then he reveals the last digit of Pi !!!Then, after doing all that easy stuff, he finds another Immunity Idol…!!! And another!!! And another!!! saying “Dang, dis is easy! Dey is all over da place!” Ehhhhh… at least he’s entertaining.

[TheCiscoShow]

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GREAT MOMENTS IN HAVING OVERESTIMATING ONESELF

1) Ben: Without my help around camp, all these people will die.

Die? Ok, if you say so, chief.

2) Ben: “Have you pooped yet? I just laid the biggest poop ever.”

First, it’s called a “deuce” not a "poop" and you don’t lay them, you drop them. Second, not only did Ben not drop the biggest deuce ever, but he probably didn’t even drop the biggest deuce on television. I was quoted as coming out of Casa De Charmin “feelin about 10 pounds lighter” after mine. Unless you dropped a 10 pounder, you’re still on the J.V. Deuce-Dropping squad, my friend.


GREAT MOMENTS IN NOT BEING ABLE TO USE REVERSE PSYCHOLOGY

Ben: Hey Ashley, I heard that you were gathering everyone to vote against me last tribal?

Ashley: Wha?!?! Who told you that?!?!

Ben: No one! I mean, someone… but not Russell! Definitely not Russell. Ok, Russell told me not to tell you who told me, but it wasn’t Russell who told me to tell you that I was told this-- that was no one that told me that, so I'm telling you. You can take that to the bank.Yup, directly to the bank. Take it right up to the teller and tell her I told you to tell her that someone told me but it wasn’t Russell that told me not to tell you. Get it?

Ashley: [to self] Ok, obviously Russell told him that.

Ben: [to self, smirking] I did it again. She fell for it. I’m a smooooooth-criminal, I tell ya.


CHALLENGE 1

GREAT MOMENTS IN GETTING RUN OVER LIKE BRIAN BOSWORTH

Remember when Bo Jackson was running up the sideline and Brian Bosworth lined him up perfectly, had him dead to rights and Bo had nowhere to go---so Bo just ran him down like a dog in the street, not even breaking stride, leaving steaming footprints on the Boz’s chest? That’s what it looked like when Ben was getting manhandled in that water-wrestling challenge, except worse.

However, I felt for Ben on this one. On one hand, you don’t want to get embarrassed by getting run over on tv. On the other, you don’t want to wrestle two naked dudes on tv either. If it was me standing there guarding the turf, and two sweaty dudes in tighty-whities came high-stepping through the water, charging at me, I think I might have to just let them go. I mean, I’d try to trip one of them as they passed me, but I don’t see myself wrestling with a couple of dudes in some nut-hugger shorts. Put on some regular sized shorts, and we’ll go at it. But I’m not wrestling a dude in some Speedos. I think Ben was torn between really engaging in battle and trying to avoid accidentally getting a handful of some dude’s package.


YALU WINS!!!

Jeff: So Russell, you have a choice to make: do you want pillows or --

Russell S: PILLOWS!!!

Jeff: Wait, let me finish: you can have the pillows or a shovel, an axe, fishing equipment, fire making tools, 40 gallons of purified water, a Sham-Wow!, an $80 gift certificate to Home Depot, and Bob Villa will help out around camp for 2 hours or ---

Russell: I said pillows, foo!

Heh, heh that was rich. It may seem like a no-brainer but the lack of comfort is actually a pretty big deal and is not to be underestimated. If it’s true that Yalu is already eating as Yasmin suggested, then it’s a closer call than it looked I think. While you can gamble and assume you’ll win a food challenge at some point, you can be sure that kind of comfort is a once a game opportunity, and getting it this early, could pay big dividends, especially given their numbers advantage. Waking up refreshed for challenges after having been pampered the night before, sleeping on silk sheets and Arabian-weave pillows, and rubbing your feet with lotions and oils makes a big difference …at least that’s what my Amazing Race friends tell me…

On the other hand, it's only been 7-10 days and if they're comfortable enough to be doing Yoga, one wonders what else they need. And as I think Erik said the tarp may have been the most important piece because trying to sleep while getting water-boarded sucks and a tarp could completely knock out the rain issue, which is huge. Anyway, it’s a tough call to make when put on the spot like that, and I think he got it wrong, but I assumed that at least SOME of the analysis above was going through Russell’s head.

But then at camp, he was standing there in some aquarium shoes and was like “Gather round. Y’all are part of Russell’s women-folk now, and Russell takes care of his women-folk. So I got these pillows, so my women-folk can sleep. Cuz after they sleep, they gotsta hit the street. And when they hit the street, they gotsta get my cash. Cuz if they don’t, I’mma put my foot in dat ass!”

In his defense, it was a no-win situation and I think I’d rather have a bunch of dudes mad at me than a bunch of women. Men might be dumb, but at least we’re not crazy. Men can be mad at each other and still work together. If he had picked function the women would have been like “You’re trying to destroy us!” and started crying. Russell, as an attorney, should be able to advocate for the position and soothe the men. If the plan was to win favor/loyalty of the women, not just make the tribe better in challenges,I don't think the comfort will pay as big dividends as he thinks -- every dude knows you can never get it 100% right and even when you do, it doesn't last long.

But he likely would have lost the women completely if he went with function and if he lost the women this early, and they started having O.J./Kobe/Chris Brown flashbacks, it would be all over for him…I think this was a much more dramatic moment than it seemed at the time and I think it may decide Russell’s fate (either it works out great and everyone loves him or the guys really resent it and punish him for it and the women take the pillows but don't stay loyal) unless Yalu keeps ripping off victories…But I smell an emergency merge coming anyway…

CSI SAMOA Ep. 3

Liz: Anyone seen Shambo lately?

Natalie: No. But I did see some legs poking out of a tree. They look like Shambo’s shoes but I can’t be sure…

Liz: That’s Shambo, silly!

Natalie: Oh!

Liz: Do you think we should do something, like ask her why she’s climbing into a tree through a big hole in the ground, just like Russell was doing? Or should we just ignore it?

Ashley: I vote for: just ignore it.

Natalie: Me too, totally.

Ben: Me three, man. Asking people questions about searching in trees for stuff is d-u-m, dum! Let’s go stare at the sun.

The idol was obviously hidden there specifically because there’s no subtle way to look for it without coming up w/ a scheme that gets everyone out of camp and it’s clearly supposed to make the person looking for it wrestle with explaining what the hell they’re doing. But Russell just said “I’m looking for the immunity idol” and Shambo buried herself up to her waist in a tree and everyone just stood there smiling for the camera. Comedy.


JAISON: THE SOUND. THE FURY.

Jeff: Ben it seems that you and Jaison have some sort of conflict?

Ben: Nope. Me and Jaison get along great. Ain't that right, boy?

Jaison: How dare you insult me thusly! In the presence of fair damsels no less!!! Hath thou no honor? No shame! If you persist with such insults, a thrashing is forthcoming!

Ben: Whatever. How about you go put on a tuxedo and make me a sammich. Hold the ketchup, son.

Jaison: Zounds!!! Had I a glove, I would surely remove it and rap you briskly across the face with it!

Ben: And bring me a Kool-Aid too. I’d like to try it.

Jaison: Fie!!! I have warned you 2 times sir. After the next 3 warnings, there will only be 5 more! That will make an even TEN! After warning No. 10, verily, I shall...I shall...Jeffrey, might I borrow your thesaurus?

Jeff: Uh, yeah, sure. I never use it anyway, I only have 5 different sentences each week.

[tosses thesaurus]

Jaison: Roget's. My favorite. Verily, I shall...I shall...DEFENESTRATE you!

Ben: You gon' do whut, boy?

Jaison: Throw you out of a window! Defenestrate means "to throw out of a window".

Ben: Well, ain't no windows around here, boy, so pick another word.

Jaison: Okay! If you insist...Discombobulate! I shall DISCOMBOBULATE you!!!

Ben: Hey, I don’t know why you’re angry. Don Imus and Joe Wilson told me that tellin’ a black girl to eat a ketchup sandwich ain’t racist so, look here boy --

Jaison: I have warned you for the 5th to last time!!! If you offend me 4 more times, you will be near your last warning!!! If you require additional warnings, you may of course apply for them forthwith, but if you call me 'boy' 8 more times...

Ben: BOY BOY BOY BOY BOY BOY BOY! There, that's 8, whatchugonnado?

Jaison: That is only seven, sir!

Ben: Nah, dat was eight! I counted it.

Jaison: Seven! Seven I say!!!

Ben: Nope, it's just like countin' pigs back on my outlaw farm. One, two, fo', five, seven, eight. See?

Jaison: Hah! Your ignorance has been exposed! You cannot count!

Ben: I can too count. I can count race-cars. And right now I'm a race-car and you got me in the red. And I'm just sayin', I'm just sayin' it's dangerous to have a race-car in the red. I could blow.

Jaison: Oh, oh, you ready to blow?!?!

Ben: Yeah, I'm ready to blow.

Jaison: Well I'm a mushroom cloud layin mutha****a, mutha****a. Everytime someone says "eat a ketchup sandwich", I'm super-fly TNT, I'm the guns of the Navarone...!

[lesmoc]

ya ben was a weak lil douche... he wouldn't last 5 minutes in the ghetto... and by the way... i love ketchup sandwiches and kool aid!
i was hoping jaison was going to pop him one...would have been great to watch a real fight on survivor...